


if the color white was a feeling

by waitingforalienstokillme



Category: Voltron - Fandom, Voltron: Legendary Defender, vld - Fandom
Genre: A LOT of Character Death, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depressed Keith, Depressed Lance, Gay Keith, Hurt/Comfort, I've never tagged before, Keith (Voltron) has PTSD - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Klangst Week 2018, Lance has nightmares, Langst, M/M, Post-War, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, bi lance, keith and lance lose everyone, klance, klangst, sorry this is so sad, theyre so young please stop hurting them, well not really happy but they're trying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-29
Updated: 2018-06-29
Packaged: 2019-05-30 06:01:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15090539
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/waitingforalienstokillme/pseuds/waitingforalienstokillme
Summary: Years of war, and violence, and years of loss- so much was gone that it didn't even hurt anymore. Or maybe everything hurt, all at once. Keith couldn't tell at this point.He hadn't felt anything in a long, long time.(in which i make my nightmares come true and not everyone makes it back to earth)





	if the color white was a feeling

**Author's Note:**

> i am so so so sorry wow  
> this is the first piece i've ever written on AO3 and the first ever klance piece and it's barely even klance at this point it's just straight angst  
> if any of you enjoy this you're a sadist because i could barely write it  
> tw for suicide attempt- i'll put ** at the beginning and end of the episode

It had been _years_.

 

Years of war, and violence, and years of _loss_ \- so much was gone that it didn't even hurt anymore.

 

Or maybe everything hurt, all at once.

 

Keith couldn't tell at this point.

He hadn't felt anything in a long, long time.

 

Except for when it came to Lance.

 

Lance, beautiful, lovely Lance, who slept in his bed the last one or two or three or four years they were in space because the night terrors became too much at one point. They never truly spoke about it- there was no need. Keith simply let Lance curl himself around Keith's stone, numb, cold frame because no matter how late in the night Lance would wake up crying, Keith's eyes would always be locked to the ceiling, replaying screams in his head like a broken record booming through his ears, ready to rock Lance back to sleep.

 

In return, Keith had someone to keep him alive. To remind him to eat. To shower. To brush his hair. To hold his hand. To steer him away from the remains of the simulations used for training because they both knew that if Keith started, he wouldn't ever _stop_ , wouldn't ever stop _fighting_ because the vision of Shiro throwing himself in front of Pidge, the vision of them crumbling to the ground as the laser struck through both of their heads, the vision of Lance's utter fear would never leave his mind. And they both knew that Keith would die fighting those training bots if it meant he could pretend they were the galra responsible for taking his family away, for closure or maybe for the simply thought that _death would be so much easier than this._

 

_They never made it back home._

 

Somewhere along the journey back to Earth, they had been drawn into a trap. In an instant, hundreds of fleets of galra ships had them surrounded. Voltron had been formed and they were fighting with everything they had, but each paladin knew about the secret weapon the galra were saving for the end, and they all knew that Voltron couldn't win against its power.

 

They won that day.

 

They won that day, but it was only because at the last second, Hunk flew his lion and all of its strength straight into the barrel of the cannon-like machine that carried three times as much of Voltron's power. It was the only way they could've destroyed the technology for good. Hunk knew that. They all did, in some sense.

 

Hunk told his team that he loved them, that they shouldn't worry because _he'll be okay! he promises._

 

The team believed him, because they were liars. They all knew that.

 

Hunk died a hero.

 

They all tried to cope by attempting to convince themselves that that's all Hunk ever wanted- to be a hero.

 

The kitchen was always carefully empty after that day, avoided until it was necessary to use.

 

This was not counting the days Lance would go in there to sit on the floor and cry.

 

And they all knew Hunk _never_ would've wanted that.

 

Krolia died trying to save Princess Allura, Coran, and Romelle. The three alteans had been captured in the midst of the night, and the team detoured their path back home in an attempt to follow the ship holding the hostages. They had formed a mission that involved Keith being a distraction to the galra guards as Pidge hacked into their ship and instructed Krolia on how to navigate her way through to the prison, where they held the princess, her advisor, and the closest thing Krolia would ever come to know as her own daughter in this lifetime.

 

Pidge was tucked neatly behind Keith as he struggled to fight off the soldiers coming toward them at remarkable speeds, sounds of Krolia grunting in between fighting and running and hiding echoing through the comms of his helmet.

 

Keith had heard Krolia gasp and felt the thud of her body fall to the ground, her voice breathing out ' _Keith_ ' in equal amounts love and terror.

She then, being the strong solider she was, calmly explained to Keith that she had been shot down, and that more were coming their way, and that he needed to _take Pidge and run._

 

He tried to ignore her, tried to fight back and find her, but it was the bullet shot through Pidge's shoulder, causing her to cry out his name in the _exact same way,_ that had him throwing her body on to his back and running.

 

By the time Pidge was being taken into their remaining healing pod and they were a safe distance away, Keith heard a few small, staggered breaths coming from the back of his helmet.

 

'Mom,' he said, and the word had never felt so safe on his tongue.

 

'I love you,' he heard her whisper, the voices of guards shouting getting louder and louder.

 

' _Mom_ ,' he said again, needing her to hear him, needing her to understand everything through the word, understand everything he wished he could tell her. _Mom, mom, mom, mom, mom._

 

After the ship took off through a wormhole in space, the team never saw it again. Never found the princess, Coran, or Romelle. Never tried to think about everything they could've done. Everything they _didn't_. Never tried to think about everything that the Galra was doing to them. Every scream, every plea, ever cry of their teammates' names as they travelled further and further away.

 

Keith could only really think about how it wasn't ever fair. Life was never, ever, ever fair. Never gave him his family without turning back to destroy it right in front of him. He wonders at one point what he did that was so bad to make this happen. He considers it being that he never tried making things better. Never stepped out of the displeasing, disturbing comfort he found from thriving off one tragedy after the next in his life. 

He was just so, so, so tired.

No one said anything when Keith didn't come out of his room for days on end. No one said anything after Lance kissed him, kissed his eyelids and temple and nose and eyelashes and his cupid's bow, whispering ' _Im sorry, i'm sorry, i'm so, so sorry, baby'_ in between each one. No one said anything when Keith let him kiss away the tears that unwillingly fell from his cheeks, pulling Lance closer.

 

Because he still _felt_.

And he felt _everything_.

 

 

He thinks it all went white when he watched his brother and his sister get torn into pieces at his feet.

 

It had been one year, or two, or three, or something but it didn't matter because they still weren't _home_ , but things had been slowly healing, barely coming back to color.

Pidge made a joke at one point and Shiro laughed. Keith and Lance went on a few dates, whether they were just crying together in Lance’s lion or not. Pidge would sit quietly next to Keith and Lance on the floor on the worst nights, joining their infinite staring contest with the grey wall ahead of them. They all held each other's hands. Shiro told Keith he was the best brother he could ever ask for, every single day. Lance stopped crying at one point.

 

It was quiet in the lion's hangars.

 

 

Keith regrets never telling Shiro how amazing of a brother he was, too.

 

 

There was another attack. The four paladins were stuck on some planet while their lions recharged, a beautiful island surrounded by gold waters that flowed like honey and was thick like syrup. Keith had smiled three times that day.

 

Keith watched as the blue flower he had placed behind Lance’s ear earlier that day fell to the ground when he jumped up to grab his bayard.

 

Shiro has gathered them all the seconds they had before ships landed into the planet's atmosphere.

'We are paladins of Voltron. We are strong. We are going to make it _home_ ,' Shiro said, cradling the three to his chest like his own children.

'I love you all.'

 

Keith put his gloved hand on the side of Shiro's temple, hoping to reciprocate the message of ' _thank you for everything you do'._

 

At the time, Keith was sure that his brother's reassuring smile meant that he understood.

 

From that day on until the day he died, he would come to convince himself that he was wrong.

 

Galra forces had tracked the lions and were now fighting them with more power than the paladins had ever seen. Unable to form Voltron, they fought the best they could individually, the lions' help being limited as they were low in energy. Side by side, Keith tried _not_ to think about the way Shiro's body flew as a galra solider picked him up and slammed his against the back of a golden palm tree, tried _not_ to notice Lance's scream as he short his gun uncontrollably around him, unable to use his strategic vision and plan from a distance like he was trained to do.

 

Keith was next to Pidge, trying to fight off soldiers for the both of them as Pidge's shoulder was still weak and first hand combat was not her strongest point.

 

Her steps lagging, he had never seen her look so _small_. He thought back to the first year they were in space.

 _Had she always been this_ young _? This scared looking? When had she grown? Had she grown into the fear, like him, or was she just as terrified now as she was their first battle?_

 

 

Keith saw the small light of the laser reflecting on the surface of Pidge's glasses at the same time she did. He didn't know where it was coming from, how long it would take to generate.

 

She called his name, tears starting to fall down her cheeks as she tried to dodge the beaming light to find it locked on her, her voice filled with both acceptance and reisistance and _fear_.

 

'Katie! Hold on! Keep moving i-' Keith dodged another sword with his blade, trying to run to where Pidge stood shaking, trying to fight off as many soldiers as she could.

 

'Keith I'm so scared I-'

 

And Shiro, the selfless bastard, jumped in front of her just as a ray of purple light shattered down to where they stood like a goddamn _hero_ , attempting to shield her body with his. Because he loved her. Because they were family. Because Keith _couldn't_.

 

Because all Keith could do was scream out ' _Takashi_!-'

 

 

And everything was white.

 

 

And the black lion _roared_.

 

Clouds of smoke scaled the golden beach as Lance locked his hands around Keith's wrist and dragged him the opposite way of the heap of ash and blood and his _family_ sat at Keith's feet.

As they ran, Keith saw the fear in the remaining galra's eyes as Black took one look at the pile of what used to be her rightful paladin and not as much hesitated before killing every thing that as much took a _breath_ on that island.

 

Lance and Keith ducked down behind Blue, not yet trusting any of the lions just yet as they all came to a mutual agreement to destroy every trace of galra on the planet. And Keith didn't remember a lot other than the feeling of Lance's hands as he pressed them against Keith's ears, as if trying to shield him from the sound of white noise and shooting and death itself that vibrated across the sandy shore.

 

And he looked into Lance's eyes, and he saw the ocean.

 

He saw the storm hiding behind his pupils, waves crashing against his eyelids and spilling down his cheeks as he glanced from Keith's face to the battle happening behind his back.

And then he shut his eyes, tight, and put his forehead against Keith's, pulling them together until Keith was sure they were going to disappear into the air.

And Lance's hands were shaking against his temples and he looked so _scared_ , Keith thought, he looked so fucking scared and he never wanted him to look like that ever again.

 

And as they waited for the black lion to avenge the death of her pilot, shaking against the warm sand with tears mixing into the golden water, Keith _vowed_ to get Lance home without ever having to make him look like he did in that moment, _ever_ again.

 

 

When they returned to Earth, the war was over.

 

The two paladins were greeted as heroes the moment they hit the earth's atmosphere. The entirety of the Garrison stood at the lions' paws as Black's mouth opened up, allowing the two boys to stagger out.

 

Were they boys anymore? Men? People? Alive?

 

The cheers of the students and faculty stopped abruptly as Lance collapsed on to the hard ground, and went motionless, the small pants of breath leaving his mouth being the only indicator that he was still alive.

 

Keith looked out into the crowd of people staring at him in shock. In worry. Did they know who he was? What he had done, what he had witnessed out into the infinite darkness of space? The things he had seen, the things taken away from him, the shrieks of his name and _Takashi!_ and _I love you_ and _I'm so, so sorry baby,_ and _I'll be okay! I promise!_

 

At this, Keith let out a shaky laugh, and dropped down to the ground next to Lance, and sobbed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Two years had passed since they returned home.

 

Keith woke up gasping, sobbing, reaching to an empty bed with a sticky note on his forehead.

 

_Out to get some groceries to make breakfast! Don't forget to take your medicine._

_Love you_

_-L_

 

His eyes reread the note but the words aren't forming in his brain. All he can hear is

_I love you_

and

_you're the best brother I could ever ask for_

and

_I'm so, so sorry, baby, i'm so sorry_

and

_I'll be fine! I promise_

and

 _We are going to make it_ home,

and

_Mom_

and

_Keith I'm so scared I-_

and

_Keith!_

_Keith!_

_Keith!_

 

 

_Why couldn't you save me?_

 

he doesn't know who says it. he thinks maybe it's all of them, put together. maybe it's him.

**

 

Keith gasps, his mind going haywire as he shoots up from the bed. He's stumbling around the bedroom, knocking things off the shelves as he goes. Lance is going to be so mad when he sees such a mess.

 

_Why couldn't you save me?_

 

He's walking down the hallway, he thinks, but everything is white. Everything is white and everything burns and he feels absolutely _nothing_ but _everything_ all at once and he can smell the burning flesh-

 

_Why couldn't you save me?_

_Takashi!_

_Keith, I'm so scared_

 

And he's looking in the mirror and he doesn't remember grabbing the bottle of pills from behind the mirror or maybe he does because he's trying to screw the cap off and

 

'Hey, baby, I'm home!' Lance is calling him from the kitchen.

 

_I'm so, so sorry baby, i'm so sorry,_

 

'Keith?'

 

_Keith!_

 

'Keith what are you-'

 

He turns right as Lance launches himself at Keith, his body tackling him to the ground, pills spilling everywhere. Keith looks at his hand and he can't remember pouring them all out like that, he can't remember anything but _white_ -

 

And Lance is shaking beneath him, pinning his arms to his sides as he curls himself around his partner. Keith wonders if this was like how he slept out in space. He can't remember.

 

'Oh my god, baby, please, no, what are you doing?' Lance is mumbling.

 

'I.. don't know,' Keith answers honestly, and he's crying, and Lance is crying, and a storm is pulling at his irises and all Keith can see is a blue flower being tugged harshly from the wind, falling to the ground, and Keith _promised_ , he made a _vow_ , he said he would never let him look like that _ever again_ and then it's all coming to him-

 

**

 

and he's sitting on the bathroom floor as Lance sobs onto his hoodie, and he can see the caramel skin of Lance's strong arms, and the milk chocolate of his hair, and the golden flecks of freckles spilled on his skin like sand underneath a hot sun and he can see his laugh, _he laughed 3 times that day,_ and he can see the blue of a flower as he tucks it behind his lover's ear, so radiant and _there_ and everything is so _bright_ and _colorful_ he think he might puke. So he does.

 

And Lance, beautiful, lovely Lance, holds his hair back and rubs circles into his spine as he pukes his guts out, sobbing and choking and gasping into the toilet.

 

And then he's pulled right back into his embrace.

 

'How could you do that to me? How could you try to leave me? How could you?'

and he sounds mad but Keith knows that he's just  _so_ fucking _scared_ so he laughs a really sad laugh and shakes his head because he's so fucking scared, too, Lance- all the fucking time he's just so _scared_ -

 

'I'm so sorry, i'm so, so sorry, baby,' he says into Lance's hair. _And the words had never felt so safe on his tongue._

 

They sit on the bathroom floor for a very long time before Lance shifts to move under his partner's heavy grasp. His eyes are filled with a dull ache, skin rubbed raw with tears he hadn't let fall in so, _so_ long.

 

 

It was always quiet in the lion's hangars.

 

 

But Keith stood up with him. He stood up, and the mess of pills and a bit of throw up left haunting them from the tile of their small bathroom, and Lance had never been so happy to see someone so barely alive.

 

They were barely living, but they were still so alive.

 

and it had been _years_.


End file.
